Since we have changed the location for the part of the dialgoue, we also had to change part of the script so it actually made sense. Here is the re-edited version of the script:
Scene opens with fingers stroking a glass, you can hear 1940’s style jazz music playing in the background. You can hear background noise of multiple in quiet conversation.
-voiceover exposition of man’s voice- she was blonde/brunette/a redhead,(delete as appropriate) and legs for hours (should start when he starts looking at her)
- A woman is seated at the bar, by herself. At the other side of the bar there’s is a man, looking intently at the female. He seems to be attracted to her as he watches what she does and shows the male gaze of looking at her eyes and lips.
Nothing is said but both characters look back and forth to each other (shots 1-10) until the woman pulls out a packet of cigarettes (shot 11). The man responds by pulling out a lighter (shot 12). She walks out of the door outside to go smoke (shot 13), he follows. (shot 14)
Outside the bar on the street, you can still hear the music faintly playing in the background.
(shot 15)
Woman: (lights cigarette and avoids looking at the man and leans against the wall) (shot 16)
Man: (after lighting her cigarette) a thank you would be nice. (shot 17) (walks to the other side of her)
Exposition voiceover: Dames. Jeez. They rip your heart out without even breaking a sweat.
Woman: (exhales cigarette smoke) you’re trying too hard. (shot 18)
Man: I can tell you’re flattered.
Woman: (sarcastically) Yes. I’ve never been talked to by a guy at a bar ever in my whole god damn life before. (shot 19) Do you talk to every girl you see at a bar?
Man: Only the beautiful ones. I’m sorry dollface. I didn’t realise you were so… sensitive. (shot 20)
Woman: you don’t get any points for modesty (shot 21)
Man: humph. I didn’t bring up scoring. But either way, if id known it woulda’ made no difference. (shot 21)
Woman: (drops her cigarette on the floor, sighs and moves towards the door as if to go inside.
Man: (he touches the wall she was leaning against and looks down shaking his head a bit in regret. He grabs her arm and pulls her back to face him. (shot 22)
Exposition voiceover: My heart felt like it had been run over by a ten tonne truck,(pause) then reversed on.
Man: Please, accept this humble offering (holds out another cigarette between index and middle finger) (shot 24)
Woman: (looks down at the cigarette almost in disgust but takes it from him anyway).
Man: The names Hank. Hank Leonard. (He offers her hand to her in greeting but she doesn’t respond) Pleased to meet ya’. (shot 25 last part of dialogue only cue.)
Woman: (not looking at him- looking down at the cigarette- says this quite quickly after his dialogue) What do you do Hank?
Man: I have various means
Woman: cop, huh? You certainly look like the type.
Man: You could say that’s part of it. But, I aint short on money.
Woman: (turns to him as she hasn’t been facing him the whole time- has a bit of a smile) (shot 26) and what do you do with all your money?
Man: mostly investments. You know. Stocks and shares.….. and I own a little theatre…. (shot 27- last part of dialogue cue)
Woman: I wouldn’t have thought of you as lover of the arts
Man: Im like a cake, theres always another layer
Woman: (looked shocked/disgusted) And what if I don’t like sweet things?. (shot 28)
Man: (tries to shrug the comment off) A dame like you? Okay…. Well then a diamond, so many different faces and sides of one thing. (shot 29) That better? (shot 30)
Woman: I don’t buy a lot of bullshit about diamonds being a girls best friend.
Man: friends are never worth the trouble.
Woman: I pride myself on not being in trouble. Pass me another cigarette.
Man: coming right up. ( shot 31)
Camera pulls out (shot 32)
Man: (passing a cigarette to her) Enjoy.
Woman: (takes cigarette and takes a drag) (shot 33)
Man: So (pause), what do you do?
Woman: (removes cigarette from her mouth and flicking the ash on the floor) I play all day (places cigarette back in mouth sexily)
Man: (stroking her arm) and what about the night? (shot 37)
Woman: (takes cigarette back out of her mouth) I try not to get bored. (shot 38 til end of dialogue.)
Man: (leans in to kiss the woman)
Woman: (turns away) I’m gunna smoke another cigarette (takes out another cigarette from packet cigarette packet from her clutch bag)
Man: (balls up his fist) I’ll join you (also takes out a packet of cigarettes)
Cuts away to the man we saw before. He puts on his trilby hat and moves closer to them still behind the wall but closer to the corner. (shot 39)
The woman leans against the wall . He is already ready with the lighter. He lights up her cigarette. She takes a drag and leans her head back watching the smoke as she exhales. She then grabs the man by his tie and kisses him. (shot 40) The man begins to caress her arms. He pulls away and offers him his hand. They walk together out of the frame.
Cuts away to the ally where the man in the hat appears at the corner. (shot 41) Puts his hands in his pockets. (shot 42) Looks down and then rubs out the cigarette under his foot. (shot 43) Then back up and walks away.
Music fades out.
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